Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The feeling are messing with the penis
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
