Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
