guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
i now understand why vodka
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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