I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
