i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I have already put on my inside pants.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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