I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
