Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
