Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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