The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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