I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
