96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
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I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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