We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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