The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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