Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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