I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Buhtt sex?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
that may or may not have been my penis.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
