How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
So much rum. So many feels.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
