sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
