First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
