What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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