Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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