The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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