it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
