I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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