Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
