Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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