New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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