it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
