you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
