On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
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