Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
