yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
