she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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