i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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