It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
