Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
