All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
