Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
