The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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