just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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