never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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