Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
