Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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