last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
