could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Randomize
