Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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