Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
