We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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