I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
FUCK WHALES
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
