I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
