I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
