i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
