And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
