pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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