i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
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