I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
