I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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