my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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