If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
