I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
